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| ok, after reaching out,
i've realized, that some things aren't that grey.
they are black and white,
and how and where i hold that line depends on my integrity.
and my word.
something i need to work on.
yup.
i made a mistake.
i cannot correct it.
i can only learn from it and move on.
move forwards.
it's ok
to have hard bad days,
it's ok
just learn not to make mistakes again.
broken records are broken.
no need to hound over it.
you're ok.
it's going to be ok.
| | |
| hmm, i'm not sure what i'm feeling right now.
processing...
last week was crazy.
(ok which week hasn't been crazy since i moved back to new york?)
school is crazy.
my personal life is crazy right now.
i am crazy.
sunday - awesome time with sammy
monday night high strung stress from r methods class followed by friends, food, and times sq?
was feeling so on top of my work on tuesday when I packed my shit to study early at bobst, kicked myself in the butt after the presentations on tuesday
presented my own 3 min blurb on wed., thought i was fine in the personal realm - after a much needed dinner and convo
thursday was emotional but needed (brooklyn and chickens, school gardens and puppies, emotional breakdown and sushi, 4 hour reality check from roy)
friday was nerve wrecking but fun, (hour long convo with pappa after waking up feeling like shit - hour long convo with by, nerves nerves nerves for african dance performance, food and more dancing)
and saturday was intellectually exhausting. (gooood mornnniiinnngg 7am, time to change the world! 4 hours of sleep) - nap, shopping therapy, chinatown dinner, tv.
grey.
woke up beside u
whut.
happend.
natural progression.
no time for this,
havn't felt like this in a while
is this a lesson in moving on?
is this learning to make better choices when i can, when i have to, when i should?
so tired that i just regressed and did want i wanted, instead of what should.
need to finish this year strong,
keep holding on.
keep
holding on to your food life.
you have all the time in the next few days to finish this crazy semester,
strong.
come on..
you can do it.
don't feel bad now.
don't give up now.
you need to move on.
take responsibility.
and step forwards.
keep on singing.
it is always the saddest when a guest leaves your home, your life,
for that snippet of time you shared.
whether it be a friend or a lover
your heart just pings you
and reminds you that you are alone again,
and that's ok.
it just takes getting used to.
this week is over in two hours.
you're good.
tomorrow
begins the work week that you've been waiting for,
because you are ready.
you need to kick it up a notch,
finish your work,
do what you came here to do,
everything else
will work itself out.and you have time for that later.
so feel what you need to feel now.
get it out of the way,
and get on with your own goals and your work gurrrlll.
you got this.
finish strong!
just do it.
| | |
| i came home exhausted from emotional happiness.
or at least i thought it was complete happiness.
battling with the brisk cold that slapped me in the face today,
as i bundled up and headed into brooklyn
found my way, got fed in the most homey lived in kitchen possible,
with a mommy veggie lasagna, beat greens, & kale
played with a doggie, (parka covered in dog hair now)
possibly secured a writing gig for a community paper for jan, on the work that i'm doing,
got my interview, or rather a scintillating conversation on everything i've been working on
and got a snippet of what life in brooklyn can be.
if i allow myself to settle my heart a lil.
i can't help but say
"i want that too"
so inspirational.
so strong of a woman,
my mentor opened up her home to me,
and exhausted lil ole me couldn't have imagined spending my thursday this week any other way --
well other than the chickens in the backyard.
or maybe it's because of the chickens,
that i hit every possible spectrum of a side of me that only when i'm tired,
i cannot fight off,
and that is the honest, gutteral, and instinctual feelings of keeping myself in check.
(horoscope today says 99% intuition)
every so often.
and it's been two weeks of bliss and fun,
well, ever since thanksgiving really...
that and i had to stare fear in the eye today - should i have pet you chicken?
why was i paralyzed with fear?
i wanted to move forward,
i wanted to
but i couldn't move.
my mind plays tricks on me.
cookies, tea, and a non stop giggling 2 year old who with out a care in the world just grabbed my hand and twirled, danced, and jumped
down a neighbourhood street that boasts 9 gun shot misfires just last week.
my goodness.
she was a sweetie.
and she didn't even say a word.
"i swear she can talk"
actually, her non stop laughter is what i prefer right now.
and then she laughed and then streaked through the house.
it filled my heart with joy,
i couldn't help but smile too.
and laugh along,
at how free she was
how unbelievably uninhibited,
and excited she was to run around her little world,
naked.
as i smacked my lips to say goodbye to the hundreds of little fishies in the tank,
with a fresh backed loaf of bread in hand,
two food books and a sense of time well spent,
i hoped back onto the train -
manhattan bound once again.
i opened the edible garden book, by alice waters.
and read her fabu intro to her story,
written in the simplest way.
i dug for more love,
lost in my imaginary world of someone doing good in the land of california
my once promiseland,
as weathered new yorkers joined me on the train back into the crowded city.
the exit pops me out right into the middle of the union sq holiday market.
chorallers, bells, xmas lights, and presents all around,
i was sure feeling more xmas-y.
aghh, any other time in my life,
would this day have resulted in some major shopping therapy,
so i ran into the whole foods
to buy some eggs instead.
and i bought a hand made scarf, for my momma for xmas.
i stopped by two more markets on the way home,
in hopes to get cookin, good lookin...
i walked into my kitchen,
and stared at the mess,
i decided to cook rice,
and it took me ten minutes just to de sprout half a bulb of garlic
that's when i knew something was up.
i emailed my moment of fear today to people who would understand...
i waited for a response...
nada.
why am i feeling extra vulnerable today, like i've laid it all out there?
and just waited...for a response.
i needed support
so i moved on to the salad.
"omg, i'm just so tired"
vitamin string quartet's yellow playing in the background.
tears start rolling down my face.
it's over.
i wilted over,
and realized that it's been a while since i've felt like this.
i grab the kitchen towel hanging on the oven door,
and dragged it down to the floor with me.
sobbing.
reset the counter.
just let it out.
it's been a while.
it's ok.
changing the world is friggin hard.
doing good is friggin hard.
learning to put you first is friggin hard.
grad school is friggin hard.
and i've been doing so well in the past couple of weeks.
letting go and moving forwards,
is friiginggg
HARD.
i sound like a broken record.
but that's what happens when reality slaps me in the face every so often.
and time does fly when you're having fun,
and i've had a lot of fun since thanksgiving.
so much distraction to move forward, and not actually moving.
so much talk
not enough doing.
so much excitement, about what's to come
so many people
to have fun with.
i'm exhausted.
it's the silence after visitors leave
that is the loudest,
that gives you that time to breathe.
and i didn't realize,
how long i've been holding my breath.
until somehow managing to prop my door open,
i let R come in to find me sitting on the kitchen floor
completely flabbergasted.
no cooking tonight.
we're going out to eat.
i left everything the way it was in my kitchen.
bundled up again,
and had a 4 hour conversation at sushi.
i came home
to wilted organic stir fry greens,
sitting on my counter, half sorted through before the unexpected emotional apocalypse
why does organic stuff not last as long?
why is it so sensitive?
has our conventional methods evolved in a way that is effed up but creates a tougher, stronger generation of unrecognizables?
am i just nostalgic for something that grounds me back to this earth that i feel like i'm floating on!?
am i just wanting that dream of a wholesome and oh so complicated family that roots me into the ground??
aww.
is that me?
am i the organic wilted green right now?
fighting for a voice,
neglected and exhausted from being weathered,
and just needs a lil extra love?
yea.
put the shit back into the fridge.
tomorrow's a new day.
and guess what
u just figured out who was able to hear your cry for a hug.
sad but true.
it's to who u hoped for, it's not what you expected.
and that is real
so i'm good.
just breathe.
you are getting better at taking care of yourself.
each and every day.
go to bed.
u deserve some guud sleep.
| | |
| celebrating the happy oh so loudly, but oh so privately. ;)
(well other than all up in herr!)
hmm, it's been such a great week.
i feel on top of my shit.
YES.
finally.
these weeks always feel so good.
and they are always the ones that are filled with deadlines and packed schedules, and craziness.
and that shit i can HANDLE.
it's the self motivated weeks of nothingness that i struggle with...
but nothing else makes me feel so guud, other than the fact that i'm on top of my shit.
relationships, friendships, family all in check, at least for now -- you can never seem to do enough when you love the ppl you do yea?
it felt nice to have a night for myself last night.
cooked food, spoiled myself with a lil tv,
talked to a friend in cali. :)
went to BED EARLY for once, and woke up at 9am to WORK OUT?!
WHUUUT.
omg, i'm so on top of my game today.
BREAKFAST TIME!! ;)
even got an email from a professor telling me that she appreciates my input on discussion -- when i thought she didn't even know my name, or know how to respond to me, HAHAHA
i guess it was all tough love.
i think i give myself the most tough love.
wait what am i saying? i'm so easy on myself when it comes to my career, but so tough when it comes to my personal life.
haha, but it's all starting to balance out.
and growing up is finding that switch,
and i'm getting there...
i am getting there.
;)
it's been one heck of a semester so far.
wish me luck on my last food policy class today!
i have a presentation that i have yet to work out, but it's ok,
i trust myself.
i love that they're all 3 mins long.
learning to be concise, to sell my shit, and edit down is so important,
and it's been hella challenging thus far.
and i love the challenge.
i spent the first part of my life being silent and shy out of everyone's way when i was a child,
then spent the time in undergrad finding my voice,
and now i'm learning to edit it down in grad school -- LOVE! ;)
baby's growin up,
are u proud momma?? :)
luff u.
i can't wait till christmas.
have a good one today.
xoxo
J
| | |
| are you the kind of relationship person who believes in loving as much as you can over and over again?
are you the kind of person who believes that you will learn something from each and every person you meet?
i'm giddy tonight,
in all the right places.
because i have found the silver lining.
and i am enjoying myself as much as can be,
in fact,
what i NEED to be doing now is less enjoying life,
and more on buckling down to work!
hahaha.
balance, we all need it.
people, we all need em.
food. goes without saying.
food food food.
people people people.
love love love.
thus is my life.
amen.
bed time.
xoxo good night. go get em tiger ;) xoxo | | |
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