|
| apparently, today has been a lesson on how to let go.
oh all realms possible.
WTF.
you are fighter.
ain't nothing gonna get you down,
keep on fighting girl,
it's a good thing too,
if i didn't take my day off yesterday and do absolutely nothing, i don't think i wouldn't had the same mental and physical capacity to deal with today.
it was so good in the morning,
and after about 4 o'clock, it just got harder and harder.
that library needs a spiritual cleanse.
i keep thinking
how crazy and wierd and dark the energy is in there,
and when i'm actually in there doing work, i'm fine...
that is until i loose all the work i'm doing 5 hours later.
wtffffffffffffffffffCUk.
so i leave the library cold as hell, feeling like i accomplished a good amount of work.
i walk to st. mark's
i eat,
i walk to the bus stop,
wrong bus,
almost loose my ring
i got off the bus,
picked the wrong milk - it was leaky,
came upstairs,
leaky shower,
bumped into my wall,
lost one of my fav rings from this summer in japan.
called mom as she assured me that grandpa's doing fine, and we talk about the new house,
i plan out my next semester's classes,
and i go to my email to check if my work's there --
andddd
it's not.
CRAP.
and then i sing online.
and why is it always when i feel like i want to reach out to you,
you're never there.
and that's just the cherry on top.
you're no longer choosing to be here.
ow ow ow.
why do i still expect?
why does it still hit me over the head hurt when i think i'm over it?
am i just testing myself?
why do i do it, as simple as that.
fuck.
back to work
now that i have to start all over again.
ain't nothing gonna bring me down today.
i'm going to keep fighting.
today's not over.
until i'm done.
you can do it girlfriend. you can do it.
| | |
| in all it's senses.
"relax, it' just school." - c
hahaha.
"is what you're doing even practical?" - momma
it's wednesday.
my head is stirred as usual coming out of my food policies class.
hmm, and sometimes i feel i am so lost in my world of food talk that i forget,
that not all people swim in it like i do.
thank goodness for television.
(hahaha, did i really say that?)
*sung like the "thank goodness for little girls song, except, less creepy.
or more so with the infiltration of the media?
see there it goes again.
hamster run run run!
you are fat,
and apparently the world is too.
who are we to come in to assess another culture's eating habits, food systems, and health issues?
isn't that a pretty western concept?
my brain hurts.
from all the food talk and none of the joy of eating that i actually thrive on.
i promised myself when i started this program that i wouldn't turn into another big grad school academic head, all inflated with notions of grandeur and elitism. sometimes, i can't help but keep myself in check,
but sometimes, i just feel so strongly about food and people.
i guess that's what happens in this society, one where i have chosen to study,
and i am constantly in search of balance.
one that levels me out,
teaches me about all the other juicy things in life,
and one where my brain just gets to experiences the joys of a sudden chemical imbalance or hormonal pleasure.
ironically, all i have is more stimulation for the moment -- tv, that puts me in a place of balance.
thank god Page spent an hour talking to me while i scarfed down two slices of 2 bros' 1 dollar pizza after class. :) for this i am grateful to have wonderful colleagues like dinner on monday night.
i guess i'm happier today because for the first time in a while, i actually felt confident today, i was happy today. i didn't wake up feeling like it, but my mom snapped me into place. it's funny that she always has her own agenda, and the family always follows it, and being it as it may, i have learned to ask for what i want too. i used to think it's because she always wanted to do things her way, but now i get that she, like i likes to be proactive in planning out her time, in spending her life doing something productive and meaningful, if only and as simple as meaningful to her. Perhaps this was what shot me out of bed. the fact that i got to hug my dad and my mom and eat dinner with them last night gave me enough strength to do what i do. even though it's typical of my family not to be as verbal in talking and sharing about the things we do in our own respective lives, like the wonderful asian mom my mother is, she just cares about my well being in the end. and the rest is up to me. and it's been a very difficult shift to that, until recently. i guess i'm just getting more practice learning to be on my own, learning to learn and thrive on my own, and learning to fight for my own agenda, my own life, my own happiness.
and learning to take ownership of myself.
haha, grown ups.
and in terms of what i do now,
sometimes i'm so frustrated that i want to give up and not care anymore --and just worry about myself and learn how to make money. But also knowing that that thought alone is dependent on the fact that our culture is changing, that money doesn't define our entire lives anymore (at least there's a huge resistance against all of the extreme capitalism in its very own crash and burn patterns similar to its very own past) and when i assert that "i don't care", it just means that i care too much that it upsets me enough to say "whatever, i'll have to deal with you later", as in later, when i have more energy, later, when i get some love and comfort from some friends and family, and later, when i'm trying to work through my own system of thoughts of how i feel about my world.
"you can't save the world mui,"
"but i can try!"
"you can't save the world..."
"umm, wasn't the world built on people trying?"
people give up so much to have a voice, to fight for their lives, why can't i fight for mine in which my parents have done everything in their means to give me hope and a future?!
i refuse to give up on the confidence and belief in myself that i have fought so hard to find in the last couple of weeks.
i believe because i care,
because i want to love.
and that is stronger than any push back, systematic structure out there.
oh i can't wait to shower, eat my elitist western organic broccoli
and watch some good bad drama fo yo momma on my dvr.
pull me out of this food world even for one night.
if only...
i just spent the last two hours writing about it after i showered off my day.
"Janet - food has nothing to do with civil rights"
whut do you mean?
i beg to differ.
food is the very foundation in which society is built on, isn't the very fabric of our existence dependent of eating to survive?
I cannot apologize for who I am,
when my life IS Food now.
Isn't it yours too?
for some, yes.
and for some,
they are just simply grateful to eat at all tonight,
right here, right now in this crazy and melancholic world,
out there...
where we all have to fend for ourselves,
we are all independent people, walking existences,
waiting, through a sea of energy,
creating our own paths to holistic freedom.
don't take away the very bit of enjoyment i find in food that defines my life,
and the will and right to argue what keeps me alive.
hmm,
in the end.
you know that all i want is to just sing and dance with you,
and celebrate
life
on this very day and very night.
well, a girl can always dream*
and i can always keep eating.
| | |
| yea,
tis a good thing,
this a great thing,
you've alwasy been good at that.
find the positives,
be your cherry self.
stay strong.
get some sleep.
you did good today.
bona fide lovin.
of thyself
of others.
you're doing the best you can*
and the best part was - you gave momma and dad a big fat hug today :)
paix.
| | |
| oh-oh oh-oh oh-ohh...
and go chase that papah...
just live your life - ehhhh!
nevermind what they say ah
(if anyone says anything at all really)
whutt...
fo real.
man, it takes a lot of energy to process my head
"to stop thinking"
and to keep on going.
ARGHHHHHHH
ihatechu.
stop robbing me of my sleep
and my concentration on life.
get out of my head
and into my real life.
i am slowly going crazy.
can i go back to sleep now?
:(
stop being a baby.
be strong.
just because you're emotional doesn't mean it will hold you back.
let it out,
and move on with your day.
you need to be productive
you need to do your thang.
so do it.
and
music,
always,
helps.
*love remains the same - gavin rossdale
A thousand times I’ve seen you standing
Gravity like a lunar landing
Make me want to run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
Drift to you, you’re all I hear
Everything we know fades to black
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
Find the place where we escape
Take you with me for a space
The city buzz, sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I had to find just where you are
The faces seems to blur, they’re all the same
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
So much more to say
So much to be done
Don’t you trick me out
We shall overcome
So all have stayed in place
We should have had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we’re over here
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time, too long defending
You and I are done pretending
I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change
I, oh I, I
wish this could last forever
I, oh I, I
As if we could last forever
Love remains the same
Love remains the same
"just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds" - Hugh Elliott
it just is.
and i still love.
as much as it pains me.
i still Love.
nourish my soul
spiritual power will help me win the war
i pick my battles,
and i keep on fighting.
| | |
| "if i could p-p-party all night, and sleep all day, and throw all of my problems away,
my life would be easssssssssay my life would be easy" - bep.
wait a min. that was my life. in the summer. hahahaha. and it was fantastic.
but now my life is on track, it's hard as hell, i'm back to being a busy bee, but i loVVVve it.
thursday was fabulous working with kids at BNS's annual farm to cafe day!
friday was awesome, lunch with tri, served dinner at the soup kitchen in harlem, african dance class, dinner with bff at TORI's my fav.
saturday was supposed to be my work day (after the missed dim sum lunch with amy and da boyz, but i got my viet bao and homemade soy instead...yum)
"but everyone else is partying tonight!"
and i'm just...
exhausted.
man it wouldn't even be so bad if i had been able to sleep last night.
dahh.. so sad..
i hatechu insomnia.
hatechu,
why u gots to rob me of my sweetness,
even after bff fixed my sore back.
holy moly, giddy with joy
my body was shot, and my mind was not able to calm down from its hamster wheel on crack mode from go go go to sleep sleep sleeeeepppppp.
my brain was not having it.
only when it's on information overload, do i sleep.
maybe i should just try to read and actually take a nap before i head out tonight.
so i guess one does get used to be "lonely"
except it just becomes the norm of living alone
although i've been saying it less often now,
which is guud,
and feeling more like a robot in work mode,
where i just push myself to go go go again,
and hug my bears to sleep at night,
that is,
if my mind ever stop running
and trying so hard
"not to think"
of u.
i'm so glad i had that dance class last night though.
ZOMG...it felt SO GUUD to sweat and dance like that after a crazy ass jam packed
long week.
and as much as i hate halloween,
tonight is going to be a celebration of the month's long hard work.
"you're doing good J."
pat yourself on the back*
good job. good job. (kimmie voice)
and i'm gonna be the cutest darn pineapple ever! (lyd voice)
i'm glad you're happy hoaiboi, thanks for waking me up to share that this morning. you crazy.
this month's gonna be crazzzzyyyy!!! (singing tri voice)
november, here we come.
the leaves have changed colour, they are crunchy and have fallen off the trees, it's getting windier
and winter is slowly approaching.
time to crack down on the research whip.
WOOOAH--PAHH!
but before then,
it's nap time!
snack time!
& p-p-p-partay timmmeeee! yeee-yah!
ZzzzzZZZZZzzZZzzzzzz*
peace.
safe holiday on da streetz!
| | |
|
